Well, Miss Bramwell, come on in, please. Sit down. Let us not waste any time. You have been found to have been fraudulently extorting money from the company via the expenses system.
No, please let us not have the charade of you denying the allegations and me having to go through the evidence until you admit defeat. so tiresome.
Here, look at this file. It is your copy of the evidence which we are obliged to give you as part of the disciplinary procedure.
 
The evidence is overwhelming.
 
The procedure has not started yet, as I wanted a word in private. The next phase is to invite in the company personnel manager, she acts as the company witness, and you may later invite another witness of your choosing from either inside or outside the company. But by the time we get to that stage, things are rather too far along to, shall we say, consider alternatives? Ah! I see that got a reaction. No, I don’t think I am suggesting anything, Miss Bramwell. Oh, I see. Actually I suspected you might make such a suggestion. I take it that rather unsubtle cliché was supposed to imply that you were offering me sex in return for letting you off? Please! Don’t look so coy! I happen to know this is not the first time you have tried that particular tactic. I took the liberty of ringing your last employer. It appears that the story you gave us of the circumstances surrounding your departure was not quite accurate, was it? Tut-tut, we really should have checked your CV more carefully. It appears very little of your previously declared work history is accurate. Indeed, it seems to be a complete fabrication, does it not? Furthermore, after being caught fraudulently obtaining money from your previous employer you offered sexual favours to try and avoid being reported to the police. I was too discreet to ask if the offer was taken up, but I note you do not have a criminal record.
 
Yet.
 
I’m afraid in this case company policy will be automatic dismissal followed by mandatory notification to the police for theft and embezzlement followed by civil action to recover the funds. They are rather substantial, are they not?
 
Please Miss Bramwell, spare me the theatricals. You are clearly a habitual criminal and I was not born yesterday. This time you have simply been caught red handed and will face the consequences. Yes, I concede you are a young and attractive woman but really, we are talking about a sum of money nearly equivalent to your yearly salary. Do you really expect me to risk my own position by hiding the loss of such a sum in return for sex with you? Have you any idea just how many equally attractive young ladies would be willing to offer all sorts of services for a small share of such a sum?
I’m afraid to say that you are facing dismissal, the police, a court case and who knows? Maybe jail?
 
Why did I interview you in private? Ah, Good question! I see you are not stupid. Ok, lets not play games, let’s get to the point. This is the deal, ok? Take it or leave it. I do have a fetish, one which a lover, or a paid prostitute, would certainly not wish to fulfil. Something a little. exotic. . If you mention it I shall deny it as a malicious allegation. I will be believed, you will not. If you agree, you will be dismissed for fraud, but I will conveniently fail to notice the extent of the fraud, so we will not involve the police. I will also overlook you previous CV history. I can of course discover either of these at any time should I need to.
 
What do I want in return?
 
Well, Is the part in your CV about you being single true? Good, that makes things simpler. You will become my mistress for a period of time. Shall we say, one year? It seems appropriate. I really am a perfectly ordinary chap with mostly normal sexual interests, there really is nothing to fear, I will not cause you pain or harm you in any way.
I will not make heavy demands on your time either, perhaps a few times a week at first but probably settling down to a few hours once a week or something, nothing too difficult. You will of course be able to find other employment and lead a normal life, as long as I keep quiet about your previous misdemeanours.
 
So, do we have a deal?
 
Ah, yes, my fetish, of course! Silly me. Ah, well. Would I be correct in assuming that so far you appear to be in favour of our arrangement so far? Good. Good! I’m sure my extra requirement will not be too much of a problem for you; I hope you will not be put off. Well, I see the personnel manager has appeared at the office window. It really is make your mind up time. My fetish is simply this. I have a thing about nudity, full nudity. I mean absolutely complete and total nudity.
 
I see from your frown you do not understand.
 
For me, a woman is only completely nude, really, truly naked, when she is not only without any clothing, but completely shaved of hair, too. Ah, yes, it is quite normal these days to shave most of your body, I suppose. By I mean to imply totally, completely, hairless, you understand? For this reason I will personally shave your entire body, including your head, when you visit my home tonight. You will maintain yourself completely hair free for the duration of our relationship, is that understood?
 
Please don’t look so horrified, it will suit you!
 
Well, you are leaving the company as of now so no one here will necessarily see you bald. You can tell family and acquaintances it was a sponsored head shave for charity, afterwards you can wear a wig if you wish. You see? You are coming to terms with the idea already! OK, that knock at the door means it is time to start the disciplinary procedure. You can forget what I’ve said and we’ll commence proceedings with full disclosure, or you can accept my proposal and we’ll keep it as minor as we can. Sorry to rush you, but we need a decision right now, I afraid.
 
Here in my draw is a nice sharp pair of scissors. Take them; rather than shake on it, just give me that blond pony tail of yours and we’ll consider it a deal. Quickly!
 
Good girl! I’ll just pop in in my draw. It will make a nice souvenir. Just run your fingers through the ends to straighten it up a bit and I bet they’ll never even notice. Great, let’s make this as painless as possible, just let me do most of the talking and don’t admit to anything ok? Good!
 
Come in!